Thursday, July 13, 2017

Shut up, Hecate's talking.


I haven't been a very good pagan as of late. I mean, there are some things I've been doing, but I haven't been paying enough attention to my spiritual life, as I would like. I suppose that's me still trying to find some sort of equilibrium this year. There has been some movement, some changes, some of which is my doing and some of which is not. I'm finding out that there is help in strange and unexpected places, if you let it. The trouble is, a lot of the time, I'm hesitant to accept because I'm a bit distrustful. Help, in my experiences often comes with some sort of price tag that will invariably blow up in my face. Still, I've decided to be daring lately and trust people and new spiritual faces. 

I have been seeing a lot of spiders in my house lately. I don't like spiders. I appreciate what they do but if they are in my house they broke the treaty. I always tell Amanda to take them outside or they are dead. I mentioned this to a friend and she mentioned them being associated with Hecate. I didn't think too much of it at the time. I don't know a lot if anything about Hecate except that she's a triple Goddess and from the Greek Pantheon. But since my friend said that, I've still been seeing spiders, and then Hecate's name came up in a tarot reading the other night. At that point, I said, "Hecate, are you trying to tell me something?"

When I spoke to another friend about it, she told me to draw another card with that question. So, I did. Since that message is for me, I'm not going to share it, but I will say that it was interesting. I've also only seen two spiders in my house since then. 

The only thing I'm trying to figure out is: was this a fly by "hey, you;re on the struggle bus and I think I can help you out for a moment" sort of thing. Or, was this a "Pikachu, I choose you" sort of deal. I'm thankful for the former and not opposed to the latter.    

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Flower Full Moon, Daisy, Blue,


A couple of weeks ago was the Flower Full Moon. Amanda, a couple of friends, and I did a small, private ritual in one of our friend's back yard and for being almost on the fly, it was wonderful. We set up and decorated a table in the yard complete with candles and pretty things that represented certain elements. We each brought water (mine was a rose and lavender black tea blend I'd mixed up the night before) for the ritual and I made up some lavender lemonade for the 'ale'. 

Amanda took the lead with a really lovely script she'd written. Between calling the quarters, the ambiance of cool night air and the soft glow of candles, it was a really gentle and pleasant night. We also called on our respective moon deities. 

Sol and Mani 

For me, that's the Norse God, Mani. He and his sister pull the sun and moon in the sky creating the day and night cycles while being chased by two wolves. Eventually, as the lore states, the wolves will catch up. But for now, Mani and Sol continue their cycles in our skies. Anyway, it felt nice to call to him. I have said 'hello' on occasion but I don't think I ever really called him directly before that night. 

Mani wasn't the only presence to be felt during ritual. Amanda and our two other friend had their respective deities but it was the during the meditation that I got a little hint of surprise. The meditation began with us going into the forest. I always seem to go to the same place, little elements are added from time to time and leave their mark. This time there was a fell log that I dug into to pull out a glowing flower. My flower was a blue daisy and the little spirit with it looked like a bluish-white tinker bell. I suppose my subconscious was feeling a little bit whimsical at the time. I don't really remember much after that as far as the meditation goes simply because I was so centered on the flower. I knew there was something to it because typically when I envision flowers it's roses, orchids, and pansies. I was also centered on the color and what it was representing- which when you think of blue, you think of water and calm, or at least I do- which was what I was trying to in cooperate for myself this cycle. 

Later, I hopped on the internet and looked up the color meaning of blue and yes, it did hold many of the things I associate with it, but what was really surprising was the significance of daisies. They are Freyja's flower. With everything that has been happening the last several months I've felt so disconnected spiritually and worried that- and it's hard to admit this- that I was too weak and not doing enough spiritually to maintain a relationship with her as my matron Goddess. Of course then I would get into a round and round cycle of "no, that's just the depression talking, you're fine" to "nope, she'd going to be disgusted with you because you can't get your shit together and you're wasting her time". However, seeing that flower in that color felt like Freyja was telling me that she is still with me, not to worry and to relax. Comfort, excitement, and relief are the simple words to express how that feels. I told Amanda I wanted to plan some daisies or get some for the altar. It's only fitting that they should be there since they are Freyja's flower. I think giving some back to her is only right.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Ostara and new beginnings

Kenaz

Spring is officially here marked by Ostara this past Monday. We went out to a friend's house to celebrate with them because we hadn't seen them in a while, because we needed the fellowship, and it was a truly good day. 

We talked about many things and the subjects of Wyrd and Orlogg came up. We spoke about families too. There was a moment when, while listening to one of our hosts talk, I wanted to cry because he mentioned to a friend that she was much sharper than she thinks, which is something I have been telling her for years. She needs to hear it from more than me and I'm so glad someone else told her. 

He also spoke of honor and that was a point that made me a little weepy. I was raised on certain principles and ideals and for as much bad, back-stabbish shit as I was subjected to by extended family growing up, my parents remained steadfast.  In a recent conversation with my Dad about books and writing, we talked about how we wished there were more books with honorable characters- kind of like in Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo on my right forearm the Japanese Kanji of three pieces of Bushido Virtures: Courage- because I strive to have the courage to face things ahead of me and keep going, Honor- because I want to live with honor every day, and Loyalty: because I value it and when I feel connected to friends and family, I find myself feeling a deep sense of it. I don't know if I am even expressing this well enough or if I have jumped the track somewhere, anyway, it was something that really resonated with me. 

We did a rune draw after a meditation. My rune was Kenaz, which felt fitting considering. Anyone who follows my sort of daily blog or who knows me personally, know that I recently had a full hysterectomy. My life was draining away slowly and while I kept going, there were times when things were so terrible that I was treading dangerously close to a darker, self harming path. I swore I won't go back there. 

In the week prior to the surgery, after a whole mess of hell with doctors jerking me around, I hit survival and then manic mode. In my desperation to escape reality and find some solace, I started reading some of my old writing, it was fanfiction posted online over ten years ago. Something in me took over and said, "the writing's shit, but the ideas are good, rewrite it now". Which, is pretty big, because I have been struggling with writing for so long. Well, I started and haven't really stopped since. It was as if when I got started everything that had been shut in and barricaded behind steel and concrete, broke free and flooded outward. 

My friend told me of Kenaz, it means forge fire and creation, building. I looked up more information on it, because I am terrible and couldn't spell it and no, I don't have my runes memorized. Kenaz means beacon or torch. It represents knowledge, vision, and revelation, inspiration, and the fire of life, fire of transformation and regeneration and other things long that vein.

For me, I am undergoing an inner transformation. I am getting my life back. I am feeling better and more like my old self but newer. The creative aspects that I had thought I'd lost and almost gave up on have surged back, encompassing me. This year I will be forged in the fires of all of it or I am going to be the one harnessing that fire and forging myself and my craft. 

I am always seeking knowledge, in my own time generally, and my Dad once told me that was one of the things I had going for me. My natural curiosity, my desire to learn what I didn't know. 

In the regeneration aspect, I feel that I have begun healing in a lot of areas of my life. I mended fences with an aunt. I am still cautious. My body is healing. I feel better, more alive. I laugh more and loudly- that's been a bit startling, I'd forgotten how loud I can be. I told Amanda that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. She was really glad to hear it. 

For once, I am excited about things. I don't feel trapped so much any more. 

I thank the Gods for showing me what I needed to see, for reinforcing things I was starting to feel, and for the fellowship of my friends who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And also, for Amanda and all her love and care.  

Monday, October 3, 2016

Spell Writing Challenge: Relief spell and Spell jar for Mom


My spell Jar for my Mom

Relief spell and Spell Jar for my Mom.

Ingredients:
Chamomile- to soothe
Nutmeg- to maintain health
Garlic powder- to promote health
Photo of my Mother
Small jar with lid
Fillable tea bag or cloth to make a sachet
Peridot stone- for protection prosperity, emotional balance, health, sleep- even better because my mom has actually touched it.
Light blue candle
White candle

Place a photo of Mom in a glass jar along with a small peridot stone. Put a pinch of nutmeg, garlic powder, and chamomile into a small cloth sachet or fillable, paper tea bag and add it to the jar. When you are ready set the jar on your altar and place a white candle and a light blue candle around, in front of, or behind the jar and say this spell:

Mother Goddess up high
Please look with caring, loving eye
Down on my mother who’s ill
And if it be your will
Heal and soothe jumping limbs
Heal and soothe emotions grim
Heal and soothe whole body and soul
So she might sleep and rest
I trust you know what’s best.

Light both candles and let them burn.

I'm leaving the jar unsealed with wax so I can refresh the herbs if need be. 

Spell writing Challenge: Healing & Comfort Spell and spell candle for Family


Ingredients:
White tea light candle
Lavender
Chamomile
Picture of family
Lighter

Instructions:
Pull candle out of tea light container, gently pull out the wick. Place wick back in the container. Sprinkle lavender and chamomile herbs into the tea light container. Stick something like a fork or butter knife into candle wax and carefully using the lighter, melt the wax so it drips into the container and over the herbs. Continue to melt the wax until the container is almost full, then add a dash more chamomile and lavender. Melt a little bit more wax and gently place in the freezer to set it quickly.

*** IMPORTANT WARNING*** 
Find something to put under you tea light or find another, flame resistant container or don't use but a pinch of herbs. I used a small but fair quantity and the heat melted my tealight holder and through my altar cloth. 

When you are ready, take a photo of your family, place it on your altar and light the candle. Then say the spell below. You may insert which ever Gods or Goddesses you prefer.

Frigga and Freyja watching us
My family’s health and comfort I do entrust
Keep them safe
Keep them warm
Keep them happy
And bring good health and comfort to the norm.

Let the candle burn for as long as you wish, either all the way or just a few minutes for later use with the spell when you feel your family needs it. 

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Spell challenge



This month, it seems is a month of challenges. Magaly Guerrero has a Witches in Fiction writing challenge this month geared toward healing the world. Last year I'd wanted to join her challenge but didn't quite get my ass in gear. Since I've made the decision to make myself write every day again, this seemed like killing two birds with one stone. Not only that, but I told Amanda about this challenge too. She is interested but also had a writing challenge of her own to tell me about. 


Amanda's challenge is a spell writing one. It was sent to her by someone on facebook, back when she still had an account, as something that might be of interest, and I guess she's been holding on to it for quite some time. The challenge is to write a spell for every day of a month and while there are some prompts, Amanda and I both decided to write our own spells. Also, we aren't going to write one for every day of this month, but rather cut it in half, so that we write 15 spells, iron them out, and the next day preform/ do them. We'll be writing our own personal spells, I haven't asked if she wants or wanted to combine our efforts or not on that end, but we will probably preform some together. Tonight, for instance, we are doing her protection spell which she posted here

Since I am getting around to sitting down to work on mine late, all I have is a rough draft of spell ideas and these I will share now. 

1. Healing/ comfort spell for family in general.
2. Relief spell for my Mother.
3. Money spell
4. Dark days spell- anti depression spell for me
5. Depression & Self worth spell for my Dad
6. Physical energy spell- drawing toward- for me.
7. Self confidence spell
8. Spell of protection, health, and happiness for the kitty
9. Clarity of spiritual direction- sometimes its good to reevaluate
10. Spell of focus- for writing
11. Igniting Creativity spell
12. Spell for letting that which doesn't serve, go.
13. Prosperity for family and home spell.
14. Banish mental negativity spell.
15. House cleansing and purification spell.

I will share these when I have them written and hope to get started tomorrow morning. 




Friday, September 23, 2016

Healing Wyrd, an article I really needed to read.

Picture snagged from Pinterest

I recently took some time to catch up on backed up e-mail, you know the e-mail you really want to read but don't quite have time for it, so you save it for later? Well, a subscription to Happily Heathen, on The Agora: the Central Hub for the Patheos Pagan Channel, was one of those "I'll save these for later. That later came when I couldn't sleep one night. 

While playing catch up on this particular subscription, I came across Healing old wounds at a new ancestors grave. In a lot of ways, this was something I needed to read. There have been some people in my family that have negatively affected our Wyrd. My Mother's Step Father for instance. I do not want to honor this man. What he did to my Mother and my Aunt makes me sick. I have no love for him. I wish I could say that he means nothing to me and doesn't affect me, but he does. The things he did make me quite creative when thinking about vengeance and then I have to remind myself, as I did when he was alive, that he just isn't worth it. 

But there is a lesson in his existence, his crimes, and even my Mom's Mom's fear of being alone so much so she stayed with someone who hurt and abused her children. That lesson is in my Mother. For everything that happened, my Mom got herself out, she made a life for herself, and while she never forgave her step dad (he's dead now, had a heart attack and crashed his truck into a light pole- not quite the judicial end I would have liked but I will take it), she forgave her mother. She forgave her mother for looking the other way, for beating her when she tried to get help, for choosing a monster over her own daughter. She forgave all of it and she didn't do just for herself, she did it for her mother so that Grandma J, would have a chance to know me, her Granddaughter. Now, I was never left alone with my mom's step dad and I never got to spend the night with Grandma J until after he died. But that one night I was able to, meant more to my Grandma J than I could even express to my Mom. I feel in a lot of ways, my Mom doing that, helped to heal the wounds of the family Wyrd and taught me the importance of forgiveness, and getting back on your feet and pushing through. 

On the converse, my Aunt, my Mom's Identical Twin, did not learn these lessons. In fact, she fell into the victim roll and continued the cycle of abuse in her own kids, particularly to the one who actually cares about her the most. She is also horrible to my Mom, so much so that while my Mom still loves her sister, she wants nothing to do with her. I think hanging in there for 50+ years is long enough and at some point, you just have to say, "I love you, but we're done." I don't know exactly how that will affect the Wryd, if that's positive or negative. For me personally, I'm fine with this disconnection to my Aunt. I tried for a long time to be devils advocate, to be sympathetic, but she finally just pushed me beyond my limits. I love my Aunt, always will, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her or allow her to cause more damage. 

But how does this play out in honoring my ancestors? How do you honor someone or people who have hurt you or others you care about in your life, even if you don't want to honor them? What about the people you don't know about yet? Or ancestors from long ago you know nothing about only their names? I think its a personal choice. I don't think anyone can tell you who you have to honor. That probably comes off as "pick and choose" in so far as picking what you like and discarding the rest. Well, I suppose in a way it is. I will honor my Aunt because I love her and we had some good times, but also because she is my Aunt and there are lessons in my life that she's taught me about people. I don't want to honor my Mom's step dad and while I may never honor him directly, I will honor the indirect lessons- those my Mother learned and then instilled in me, such as who and what to watch out for, getting back on your feet, and learning to forgive and what forgiveness can do. This may not work for everyone and I think that's okay.