Well now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...

For the last two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's homework to tomorrow to do it. 

Lately, I have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat. I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just venting. 

So aside from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary. My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a Jehovah's witness. 

WHAT?! 

What I have been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead. 

But did he really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and well, normal.

All of that aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over 40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will see her at that time. 

So yeah, that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.

   

I love my rock!

NOTE: I have cross posted this post from my other blog and am adding a little more here. 

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 

Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.

I've been on the fence with some metaphysical and pagan notions and gemstones has been one of those things. I am open to a vast majority of things. When someone tells me they had an experience or something works for them, I believe them. Just because I didn't experience it or feel it or it doesn't work for me is no reason to invalidate or belittle their experience. When it comes to me, I generally question and a pick it apart to a fault. I tend to do that with most things. However, in this area, I realized that I need to stop. It is normal, okay, and even healthy to question how things work, how they would apply to you, and so on. But to do so to the point of, well, blocking(?)  something out kind cheats you from the possibility of really truly discovering things on your own. For myself, I think I was inadvertently keeping myself from experiencing a lot. I wasn't letting things do what they were supposed to do and putting up a wall.  

My proof that thing like this do work for me and can be beneficial, was when my friend who does Reiki did some on me. It was amazing to feel her energy at work, not just once, but couple of times since that she's done it. Then, when my back was bothering me at her house and Amanda found a knot, our friend handed Amanda a rose quartz wand to use on the spot and that eased the area. 

So today, while some part of me was questioning whether this would work or not, I had to tell myself to knock it off and just let the stone work. It did and I feel better. It's a good lesson.    

Shut up, Hecate's talking.

I haven't been a very good pagan as of late. I mean, there are some things I've been doing, but I haven't been paying enough attention to my spiritual life, as I would like. I suppose that's me still trying to find some sort of equilibrium this year. There has been some movement, some changes, some of which is my doing and some of which is not. I'm finding out that there is help in strange and unexpected places, if you let it. The trouble is, a lot of the time, I'm hesitant to accept because I'm a bit distrustful. Help, in my experiences often comes with some sort of price tag that will invariably blow up in my face. Still, I've decided to be daring lately and trust people and new spiritual faces. 

I have been seeing a lot of spiders in my house lately. I don't like spiders. I appreciate what they do but if they are in my house they broke the treaty. I always tell Amanda to take them outside or they are dead. I mentioned this to a friend and she mentioned them being associated with Hecate. I didn't think too much of it at the time. I don't know a lot if anything about Hecate except that she's a triple Goddess and from the Greek Pantheon. But since my friend said that, I've still been seeing spiders, and then Hecate's name came up in a tarot reading the other night. At that point, I said, "Hecate, are you trying to tell me something?"

When I spoke to another friend about it, she told me to draw another card with that question. So, I did. Since that message is for me, I'm not going to share it, but I will say that it was interesting. I've also only seen two spiders in my house since then. 

The only thing I'm trying to figure out is: was this a fly by "hey, you;re on the struggle bus and I think I can help you out for a moment" sort of thing. Or, was this a "Pikachu, I choose you" sort of deal. I'm thankful for the former and not opposed to the latter.    

Flower Full Moon, Daisy, Blue,

A couple of weeks ago was the Flower Full Moon. Amanda, a couple of friends, and I did a small, private ritual in one of our friend's back yard and for being almost on the fly, it was wonderful. We set up and decorated a table in the yard complete with candles and pretty things that represented certain elements. We each brought water (mine was a rose and lavender black tea blend I'd mixed up the night before) for the ritual and I made up some lavender lemonade for the 'ale'. 

Amanda took the lead with a really lovely script she'd written. Between calling the quarters, the ambiance of cool night air and the soft glow of candles, it was a really gentle and pleasant night. We also called on our respective moon deities. 

Sol and Mani 

For me, that's the Norse God, Mani. He and his sister pull the sun and moon in the sky creating the day and night cycles while being chased by two wolves. Eventually, as the lore states, the wolves will catch up. But for now, Mani and Sol continue their cycles in our skies. Anyway, it felt nice to call to him. I have said 'hello' on occasion but I don't think I ever really called him directly before that night. 

Mani wasn't the only presence to be felt during ritual. Amanda and our two other friend had their respective deities but it was the during the meditation that I got a little hint of surprise. The meditation began with us going into the forest. I always seem to go to the same place, little elements are added from time to time and leave their mark. This time there was a fell log that I dug into to pull out a glowing flower. My flower was a blue daisy and the little spirit with it looked like a bluish-white tinker bell. I suppose my subconscious was feeling a little bit whimsical at the time. I don't really remember much after that as far as the meditation goes simply because I was so centered on the flower. I knew there was something to it because typically when I envision flowers it's roses, orchids, and pansies. I was also centered on the color and what it was representing- which when you think of blue, you think of water and calm, or at least I do- which was what I was trying to in cooperate for myself this cycle. 

Later, I hopped on the internet and looked up the color meaning of blue and yes, it did hold many of the things I associate with it, but what was really surprising was the significance of daisies. They are Freyja's flower. With everything that has been happening the last several months I've felt so disconnected spiritually and worried that- and it's hard to admit this- that I was too weak and not doing enough spiritually to maintain a relationship with her as my matron Goddess. Of course then I would get into a round and round cycle of "no, that's just the depression talking, you're fine" to "nope, she'd going to be disgusted with you because you can't get your shit together and you're wasting her time". However, seeing that flower in that color felt like Freyja was telling me that she is still with me, not to worry and to relax. Comfort, excitement, and relief are the simple words to express how that feels. I told Amanda I wanted to plan some daisies or get some for the altar. It's only fitting that they should be there since they are Freyja's flower. I think giving some back to her is only right.

Ostara and new beginnings

Kenaz

Spring is officially here marked by Ostara this past Monday. We went out to a friend's house to celebrate with them because we hadn't seen them in a while, because we needed the fellowship, and it was a truly good day. 

We talked about many things and the subjects of Wyrd and Orlogg came up. We spoke about families too. There was a moment when, while listening to one of our hosts talk, I wanted to cry because he mentioned to a friend that she was much sharper than she thinks, which is something I have been telling her for years. She needs to hear it from more than me and I'm so glad someone else told her. 

He also spoke of honor and that was a point that made me a little weepy. I was raised on certain principles and ideals and for as much bad, back-stabbish shit as I was subjected to by extended family growing up, my parents remained steadfast.  In a recent conversation with my Dad about books and writing, we talked about how we wished there were more books with honorable characters- kind of like in Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo on my right forearm the Japanese Kanji of three pieces of Bushido Virtures: Courage- because I strive to have the courage to face things ahead of me and keep going, Honor- because I want to live with honor every day, and Loyalty: because I value it and when I feel connected to friends and family, I find myself feeling a deep sense of it. I don't know if I am even expressing this well enough or if I have jumped the track somewhere, anyway, it was something that really resonated with me. 

We did a rune draw after a meditation. My rune was Kenaz, which felt fitting considering. Anyone who follows my sort of daily blog or who knows me personally, know that I recently had a full hysterectomy. My life was draining away slowly and while I kept going, there were times when things were so terrible that I was treading dangerously close to a darker, self harming path. I swore I won't go back there. 

In the week prior to the surgery, after a whole mess of hell with doctors jerking me around, I hit survival and then manic mode. In my desperation to escape reality and find some solace, I started reading some of my old writing, it was fanfiction posted online over ten years ago. Something in me took over and said, "the writing's shit, but the ideas are good, rewrite it now". Which, is pretty big, because I have been struggling with writing for so long. Well, I started and haven't really stopped since. It was as if when I got started everything that had been shut in and barricaded behind steel and concrete, broke free and flooded outward. 

My friend told me of Kenaz, it means forge fire and creation, building. I looked up more information on it, because I am terrible and couldn't spell it and no, I don't have my runes memorized. Kenaz means beacon or torch. It represents knowledge, vision, and revelation, inspiration, and the fire of life, fire of transformation and regeneration and other things long that vein.

For me, I am undergoing an inner transformation. I am getting my life back. I am feeling better and more like my old self but newer. The creative aspects that I had thought I'd lost and almost gave up on have surged back, encompassing me. This year I will be forged in the fires of all of it or I am going to be the one harnessing that fire and forging myself and my craft. 

I am always seeking knowledge, in my own time generally, and my Dad once told me that was one of the things I had going for me. My natural curiosity, my desire to learn what I didn't know. 

In the regeneration aspect, I feel that I have begun healing in a lot of areas of my life. I mended fences with an aunt. I am still cautious. My body is healing. I feel better, more alive. I laugh more and loudly- that's been a bit startling, I'd forgotten how loud I can be. I told Amanda that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. She was really glad to hear it. 

For once, I am excited about things. I don't feel trapped so much any more. 

I thank the Gods for showing me what I needed to see, for reinforcing things I was starting to feel, and for the fellowship of my friends who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And also, for Amanda and all her love and care.  

Spell Writing Challenge: Relief spell and Spell jar for Mom

My spell Jar for my Mom

Relief spell and Spell Jar for my Mom.

Ingredients:

Chamomile- to soothe

Nutmeg- to maintain health

Garlic powder- to promote health

Photo of my Mother

Small jar with lid

Fillable tea bag or cloth to make a sachet

Peridot stone- for protection prosperity, emotional balance, health, sleep- even better because my mom has actually touched it.

Light blue candle

White candle

Place a photo of Mom in a glass jar along with a small peridot stone. Put a pinch of nutmeg, garlic powder, and chamomile into a small cloth sachet or fillable, paper tea bag and add it to the jar. When you are ready set the jar on your altar and place a white candle and a light blue candle around, in front of, or behind the jar and say this spell:

Mother Goddess up high

Please look with caring, loving eye

Down on my mother who’s ill

And if it be your will

Heal and soothe jumping limbs

Heal and soothe emotions grim

Heal and soothe whole body and soul

So she might sleep and rest

I trust you know what’s best.

Light both candles and let them burn.

I'm leaving the jar unsealed with wax so I can refresh the herbs if need be. 

Spell writing Challenge: Healing & Comfort Spell and spell candle for Family

Ingredients:

White tea light candle

Lavender

Chamomile

Picture of family

Lighter

Instructions:

Pull candle out of tea light container, gently pull out the wick. Place wick back in the container. Sprinkle lavender and chamomile herbs into the tea light container. Stick something like a fork or butter knife into candle wax and carefully using the lighter, melt the wax so it drips into the container and over the herbs. Continue to melt the wax until the container is almost full, then add a dash more chamomile and lavender. Melt a little bit more wax and gently place in the freezer to set it quickly.

*** IMPORTANT WARNING*** 
Find something to put under you tea light or find another, flame resistant container or don't use but a pinch of herbs. I used a small but fair quantity and the heat melted my tealight holder and through my altar cloth. 

When you are ready, take a photo of your family, place it on your altar and light the candle. Then say the spell below. You may insert which ever Gods or Goddesses you prefer.

Frigga and Freyja watching us

My family’s health and comfort I do entrust

Keep them safe

Keep them warm

Keep them happy

And bring good health and comfort to the norm.

Let the candle burn for as long as you wish, either all the way or just a few minutes for later use with the spell when you feel your family needs it.