Well now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...

For the last two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's homework to tomorrow to do it. 

Lately, I have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat. I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just venting. 

So aside from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary. My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a Jehovah's witness. 

WHAT?! 

What I have been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead. 

But did he really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and well, normal.

All of that aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over 40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will see her at that time. 

So yeah, that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.

   

Ostara and new beginnings

Kenaz

Spring is officially here marked by Ostara this past Monday. We went out to a friend's house to celebrate with them because we hadn't seen them in a while, because we needed the fellowship, and it was a truly good day. 

We talked about many things and the subjects of Wyrd and Orlogg came up. We spoke about families too. There was a moment when, while listening to one of our hosts talk, I wanted to cry because he mentioned to a friend that she was much sharper than she thinks, which is something I have been telling her for years. She needs to hear it from more than me and I'm so glad someone else told her. 

He also spoke of honor and that was a point that made me a little weepy. I was raised on certain principles and ideals and for as much bad, back-stabbish shit as I was subjected to by extended family growing up, my parents remained steadfast.  In a recent conversation with my Dad about books and writing, we talked about how we wished there were more books with honorable characters- kind of like in Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo on my right forearm the Japanese Kanji of three pieces of Bushido Virtures: Courage- because I strive to have the courage to face things ahead of me and keep going, Honor- because I want to live with honor every day, and Loyalty: because I value it and when I feel connected to friends and family, I find myself feeling a deep sense of it. I don't know if I am even expressing this well enough or if I have jumped the track somewhere, anyway, it was something that really resonated with me. 

We did a rune draw after a meditation. My rune was Kenaz, which felt fitting considering. Anyone who follows my sort of daily blog or who knows me personally, know that I recently had a full hysterectomy. My life was draining away slowly and while I kept going, there were times when things were so terrible that I was treading dangerously close to a darker, self harming path. I swore I won't go back there. 

In the week prior to the surgery, after a whole mess of hell with doctors jerking me around, I hit survival and then manic mode. In my desperation to escape reality and find some solace, I started reading some of my old writing, it was fanfiction posted online over ten years ago. Something in me took over and said, "the writing's shit, but the ideas are good, rewrite it now". Which, is pretty big, because I have been struggling with writing for so long. Well, I started and haven't really stopped since. It was as if when I got started everything that had been shut in and barricaded behind steel and concrete, broke free and flooded outward. 

My friend told me of Kenaz, it means forge fire and creation, building. I looked up more information on it, because I am terrible and couldn't spell it and no, I don't have my runes memorized. Kenaz means beacon or torch. It represents knowledge, vision, and revelation, inspiration, and the fire of life, fire of transformation and regeneration and other things long that vein.

For me, I am undergoing an inner transformation. I am getting my life back. I am feeling better and more like my old self but newer. The creative aspects that I had thought I'd lost and almost gave up on have surged back, encompassing me. This year I will be forged in the fires of all of it or I am going to be the one harnessing that fire and forging myself and my craft. 

I am always seeking knowledge, in my own time generally, and my Dad once told me that was one of the things I had going for me. My natural curiosity, my desire to learn what I didn't know. 

In the regeneration aspect, I feel that I have begun healing in a lot of areas of my life. I mended fences with an aunt. I am still cautious. My body is healing. I feel better, more alive. I laugh more and loudly- that's been a bit startling, I'd forgotten how loud I can be. I told Amanda that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. She was really glad to hear it. 

For once, I am excited about things. I don't feel trapped so much any more. 

I thank the Gods for showing me what I needed to see, for reinforcing things I was starting to feel, and for the fellowship of my friends who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And also, for Amanda and all her love and care.  

Spell writing Challenge: Healing & Comfort Spell and spell candle for Family

Ingredients:

White tea light candle

Lavender

Chamomile

Picture of family

Lighter

Instructions:

Pull candle out of tea light container, gently pull out the wick. Place wick back in the container. Sprinkle lavender and chamomile herbs into the tea light container. Stick something like a fork or butter knife into candle wax and carefully using the lighter, melt the wax so it drips into the container and over the herbs. Continue to melt the wax until the container is almost full, then add a dash more chamomile and lavender. Melt a little bit more wax and gently place in the freezer to set it quickly.

*** IMPORTANT WARNING*** 
Find something to put under you tea light or find another, flame resistant container or don't use but a pinch of herbs. I used a small but fair quantity and the heat melted my tealight holder and through my altar cloth. 

When you are ready, take a photo of your family, place it on your altar and light the candle. Then say the spell below. You may insert which ever Gods or Goddesses you prefer.

Frigga and Freyja watching us

My family’s health and comfort I do entrust

Keep them safe

Keep them warm

Keep them happy

And bring good health and comfort to the norm.

Let the candle burn for as long as you wish, either all the way or just a few minutes for later use with the spell when you feel your family needs it. 

Healing Wyrd, an article I really needed to read.

Picture snagged from Pinterest

I recently took some time to catch up on backed up e-mail, you know the e-mail you really want to read but don't quite have time for it, so you save it for later? Well, a subscription to Happily Heathen, on The Agora: the Central Hub for the Patheos Pagan Channel, was one of those "I'll save these for later. That later came when I couldn't sleep one night. 

While playing catch up on this particular subscription, I came across Healing old wounds at a new ancestors grave. In a lot of ways, this was something I needed to read. There have been some people in my family that have negatively affected our Wyrd. My Mother's Step Father for instance. I do not want to honor this man. What he did to my Mother and my Aunt makes me sick. I have no love for him. I wish I could say that he means nothing to me and doesn't affect me, but he does. The things he did make me quite creative when thinking about vengeance and then I have to remind myself, as I did when he was alive, that he just isn't worth it. 

But there is a lesson in his existence, his crimes, and even my Mom's Mom's fear of being alone so much so she stayed with someone who hurt and abused her children. That lesson is in my Mother. For everything that happened, my Mom got herself out, she made a life for herself, and while she never forgave her step dad (he's dead now, had a heart attack and crashed his truck into a light pole- not quite the judicial end I would have liked but I will take it), she forgave her mother. She forgave her mother for looking the other way, for beating her when she tried to get help, for choosing a monster over her own daughter. She forgave all of it and she didn't do just for herself, she did it for her mother so that Grandma J, would have a chance to know me, her Granddaughter. Now, I was never left alone with my mom's step dad and I never got to spend the night with Grandma J until after he died. But that one night I was able to, meant more to my Grandma J than I could even express to my Mom. I feel in a lot of ways, my Mom doing that, helped to heal the wounds of the family Wyrd and taught me the importance of forgiveness, and getting back on your feet and pushing through. 

On the converse, my Aunt, my Mom's Identical Twin, did not learn these lessons. In fact, she fell into the victim roll and continued the cycle of abuse in her own kids, particularly to the one who actually cares about her the most. She is also horrible to my Mom, so much so that while my Mom still loves her sister, she wants nothing to do with her. I think hanging in there for 50+ years is long enough and at some point, you just have to say, "I love you, but we're done." I don't know exactly how that will affect the Wryd, if that's positive or negative. For me personally, I'm fine with this disconnection to my Aunt. I tried for a long time to be devils advocate, to be sympathetic, but she finally just pushed me beyond my limits. I love my Aunt, always will, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her or allow her to cause more damage. 

But how does this play out in honoring my ancestors? How do you honor someone or people who have hurt you or others you care about in your life, even if you don't want to honor them? What about the people you don't know about yet? Or ancestors from long ago you know nothing about only their names? I think its a personal choice. I don't think anyone can tell you who you have to honor. That probably comes off as "pick and choose" in so far as picking what you like and discarding the rest. Well, I suppose in a way it is. I will honor my Aunt because I love her and we had some good times, but also because she is my Aunt and there are lessons in my life that she's taught me about people. I don't want to honor my Mom's step dad and while I may never honor him directly, I will honor the indirect lessons- those my Mother learned and then instilled in me, such as who and what to watch out for, getting back on your feet, and learning to forgive and what forgiveness can do. This may not work for everyone and I think that's okay.