Well now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...

For the last two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's homework to tomorrow to do it. 

Lately, I have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat. I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just venting. 

So aside from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary. My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a Jehovah's witness. 

WHAT?! 

What I have been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead. 

But did he really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and well, normal.

All of that aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over 40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will see her at that time. 

So yeah, that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.

   

I love my rock!

NOTE: I have cross posted this post from my other blog and am adding a little more here. 

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 

Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.

I've been on the fence with some metaphysical and pagan notions and gemstones has been one of those things. I am open to a vast majority of things. When someone tells me they had an experience or something works for them, I believe them. Just because I didn't experience it or feel it or it doesn't work for me is no reason to invalidate or belittle their experience. When it comes to me, I generally question and a pick it apart to a fault. I tend to do that with most things. However, in this area, I realized that I need to stop. It is normal, okay, and even healthy to question how things work, how they would apply to you, and so on. But to do so to the point of, well, blocking(?)  something out kind cheats you from the possibility of really truly discovering things on your own. For myself, I think I was inadvertently keeping myself from experiencing a lot. I wasn't letting things do what they were supposed to do and putting up a wall.  

My proof that thing like this do work for me and can be beneficial, was when my friend who does Reiki did some on me. It was amazing to feel her energy at work, not just once, but couple of times since that she's done it. Then, when my back was bothering me at her house and Amanda found a knot, our friend handed Amanda a rose quartz wand to use on the spot and that eased the area. 

So today, while some part of me was questioning whether this would work or not, I had to tell myself to knock it off and just let the stone work. It did and I feel better. It's a good lesson.    

Shut up, Hecate's talking.

I haven't been a very good pagan as of late. I mean, there are some things I've been doing, but I haven't been paying enough attention to my spiritual life, as I would like. I suppose that's me still trying to find some sort of equilibrium this year. There has been some movement, some changes, some of which is my doing and some of which is not. I'm finding out that there is help in strange and unexpected places, if you let it. The trouble is, a lot of the time, I'm hesitant to accept because I'm a bit distrustful. Help, in my experiences often comes with some sort of price tag that will invariably blow up in my face. Still, I've decided to be daring lately and trust people and new spiritual faces. 

I have been seeing a lot of spiders in my house lately. I don't like spiders. I appreciate what they do but if they are in my house they broke the treaty. I always tell Amanda to take them outside or they are dead. I mentioned this to a friend and she mentioned them being associated with Hecate. I didn't think too much of it at the time. I don't know a lot if anything about Hecate except that she's a triple Goddess and from the Greek Pantheon. But since my friend said that, I've still been seeing spiders, and then Hecate's name came up in a tarot reading the other night. At that point, I said, "Hecate, are you trying to tell me something?"

When I spoke to another friend about it, she told me to draw another card with that question. So, I did. Since that message is for me, I'm not going to share it, but I will say that it was interesting. I've also only seen two spiders in my house since then. 

The only thing I'm trying to figure out is: was this a fly by "hey, you;re on the struggle bus and I think I can help you out for a moment" sort of thing. Or, was this a "Pikachu, I choose you" sort of deal. I'm thankful for the former and not opposed to the latter.    

Flower Full Moon, Daisy, Blue,

A couple of weeks ago was the Flower Full Moon. Amanda, a couple of friends, and I did a small, private ritual in one of our friend's back yard and for being almost on the fly, it was wonderful. We set up and decorated a table in the yard complete with candles and pretty things that represented certain elements. We each brought water (mine was a rose and lavender black tea blend I'd mixed up the night before) for the ritual and I made up some lavender lemonade for the 'ale'. 

Amanda took the lead with a really lovely script she'd written. Between calling the quarters, the ambiance of cool night air and the soft glow of candles, it was a really gentle and pleasant night. We also called on our respective moon deities. 

Sol and Mani 

For me, that's the Norse God, Mani. He and his sister pull the sun and moon in the sky creating the day and night cycles while being chased by two wolves. Eventually, as the lore states, the wolves will catch up. But for now, Mani and Sol continue their cycles in our skies. Anyway, it felt nice to call to him. I have said 'hello' on occasion but I don't think I ever really called him directly before that night. 

Mani wasn't the only presence to be felt during ritual. Amanda and our two other friend had their respective deities but it was the during the meditation that I got a little hint of surprise. The meditation began with us going into the forest. I always seem to go to the same place, little elements are added from time to time and leave their mark. This time there was a fell log that I dug into to pull out a glowing flower. My flower was a blue daisy and the little spirit with it looked like a bluish-white tinker bell. I suppose my subconscious was feeling a little bit whimsical at the time. I don't really remember much after that as far as the meditation goes simply because I was so centered on the flower. I knew there was something to it because typically when I envision flowers it's roses, orchids, and pansies. I was also centered on the color and what it was representing- which when you think of blue, you think of water and calm, or at least I do- which was what I was trying to in cooperate for myself this cycle. 

Later, I hopped on the internet and looked up the color meaning of blue and yes, it did hold many of the things I associate with it, but what was really surprising was the significance of daisies. They are Freyja's flower. With everything that has been happening the last several months I've felt so disconnected spiritually and worried that- and it's hard to admit this- that I was too weak and not doing enough spiritually to maintain a relationship with her as my matron Goddess. Of course then I would get into a round and round cycle of "no, that's just the depression talking, you're fine" to "nope, she'd going to be disgusted with you because you can't get your shit together and you're wasting her time". However, seeing that flower in that color felt like Freyja was telling me that she is still with me, not to worry and to relax. Comfort, excitement, and relief are the simple words to express how that feels. I told Amanda I wanted to plan some daisies or get some for the altar. It's only fitting that they should be there since they are Freyja's flower. I think giving some back to her is only right.

Ostara and new beginnings

Kenaz

Spring is officially here marked by Ostara this past Monday. We went out to a friend's house to celebrate with them because we hadn't seen them in a while, because we needed the fellowship, and it was a truly good day. 

We talked about many things and the subjects of Wyrd and Orlogg came up. We spoke about families too. There was a moment when, while listening to one of our hosts talk, I wanted to cry because he mentioned to a friend that she was much sharper than she thinks, which is something I have been telling her for years. She needs to hear it from more than me and I'm so glad someone else told her. 

He also spoke of honor and that was a point that made me a little weepy. I was raised on certain principles and ideals and for as much bad, back-stabbish shit as I was subjected to by extended family growing up, my parents remained steadfast.  In a recent conversation with my Dad about books and writing, we talked about how we wished there were more books with honorable characters- kind of like in Lord of the Rings. I have a tattoo on my right forearm the Japanese Kanji of three pieces of Bushido Virtures: Courage- because I strive to have the courage to face things ahead of me and keep going, Honor- because I want to live with honor every day, and Loyalty: because I value it and when I feel connected to friends and family, I find myself feeling a deep sense of it. I don't know if I am even expressing this well enough or if I have jumped the track somewhere, anyway, it was something that really resonated with me. 

We did a rune draw after a meditation. My rune was Kenaz, which felt fitting considering. Anyone who follows my sort of daily blog or who knows me personally, know that I recently had a full hysterectomy. My life was draining away slowly and while I kept going, there were times when things were so terrible that I was treading dangerously close to a darker, self harming path. I swore I won't go back there. 

In the week prior to the surgery, after a whole mess of hell with doctors jerking me around, I hit survival and then manic mode. In my desperation to escape reality and find some solace, I started reading some of my old writing, it was fanfiction posted online over ten years ago. Something in me took over and said, "the writing's shit, but the ideas are good, rewrite it now". Which, is pretty big, because I have been struggling with writing for so long. Well, I started and haven't really stopped since. It was as if when I got started everything that had been shut in and barricaded behind steel and concrete, broke free and flooded outward. 

My friend told me of Kenaz, it means forge fire and creation, building. I looked up more information on it, because I am terrible and couldn't spell it and no, I don't have my runes memorized. Kenaz means beacon or torch. It represents knowledge, vision, and revelation, inspiration, and the fire of life, fire of transformation and regeneration and other things long that vein.

For me, I am undergoing an inner transformation. I am getting my life back. I am feeling better and more like my old self but newer. The creative aspects that I had thought I'd lost and almost gave up on have surged back, encompassing me. This year I will be forged in the fires of all of it or I am going to be the one harnessing that fire and forging myself and my craft. 

I am always seeking knowledge, in my own time generally, and my Dad once told me that was one of the things I had going for me. My natural curiosity, my desire to learn what I didn't know. 

In the regeneration aspect, I feel that I have begun healing in a lot of areas of my life. I mended fences with an aunt. I am still cautious. My body is healing. I feel better, more alive. I laugh more and loudly- that's been a bit startling, I'd forgotten how loud I can be. I told Amanda that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. She was really glad to hear it. 

For once, I am excited about things. I don't feel trapped so much any more. 

I thank the Gods for showing me what I needed to see, for reinforcing things I was starting to feel, and for the fellowship of my friends who have been nothing but loving and supportive. And also, for Amanda and all her love and care.  

Spell Writing Challenge: Relief spell and Spell jar for Mom

My spell Jar for my Mom

Relief spell and Spell Jar for my Mom.

Ingredients:

Chamomile- to soothe

Nutmeg- to maintain health

Garlic powder- to promote health

Photo of my Mother

Small jar with lid

Fillable tea bag or cloth to make a sachet

Peridot stone- for protection prosperity, emotional balance, health, sleep- even better because my mom has actually touched it.

Light blue candle

White candle

Place a photo of Mom in a glass jar along with a small peridot stone. Put a pinch of nutmeg, garlic powder, and chamomile into a small cloth sachet or fillable, paper tea bag and add it to the jar. When you are ready set the jar on your altar and place a white candle and a light blue candle around, in front of, or behind the jar and say this spell:

Mother Goddess up high

Please look with caring, loving eye

Down on my mother who’s ill

And if it be your will

Heal and soothe jumping limbs

Heal and soothe emotions grim

Heal and soothe whole body and soul

So she might sleep and rest

I trust you know what’s best.

Light both candles and let them burn.

I'm leaving the jar unsealed with wax so I can refresh the herbs if need be. 

Spell writing Challenge: Healing & Comfort Spell and spell candle for Family

Ingredients:

White tea light candle

Lavender

Chamomile

Picture of family

Lighter

Instructions:

Pull candle out of tea light container, gently pull out the wick. Place wick back in the container. Sprinkle lavender and chamomile herbs into the tea light container. Stick something like a fork or butter knife into candle wax and carefully using the lighter, melt the wax so it drips into the container and over the herbs. Continue to melt the wax until the container is almost full, then add a dash more chamomile and lavender. Melt a little bit more wax and gently place in the freezer to set it quickly.

*** IMPORTANT WARNING*** 
Find something to put under you tea light or find another, flame resistant container or don't use but a pinch of herbs. I used a small but fair quantity and the heat melted my tealight holder and through my altar cloth. 

When you are ready, take a photo of your family, place it on your altar and light the candle. Then say the spell below. You may insert which ever Gods or Goddesses you prefer.

Frigga and Freyja watching us

My family’s health and comfort I do entrust

Keep them safe

Keep them warm

Keep them happy

And bring good health and comfort to the norm.

Let the candle burn for as long as you wish, either all the way or just a few minutes for later use with the spell when you feel your family needs it. 

Spell challenge

This month, it seems is a month of challenges. Magaly Guerrero has a Witches in Fiction writing challenge this month geared toward healing the world. Last year I'd wanted to join her challenge but didn't quite get my ass in gear. Since I've made the decision to make myself write every day again, this seemed like killing two birds with one stone. Not only that, but I told Amanda about this challenge too. She is interested but also had a writing challenge of her own to tell me about. 

Amanda's challenge is a spell writing one. It was sent to her by someone on facebook, back when she still had an account, as something that might be of interest, and I guess she's been holding on to it for quite some time. The challenge is to write a spell for every day of a month and while there are some prompts, Amanda and I both decided to write our own spells. Also, we aren't going to write one for every day of this month, but rather cut it in half, so that we write 15 spells, iron them out, and the next day preform/ do them. We'll be writing our own personal spells, I haven't asked if she wants or wanted to combine our efforts or not on that end, but we will probably preform some together. Tonight, for instance, we are doing her protection spell which she posted here. 

Since I am getting around to sitting down to work on mine late, all I have is a rough draft of spell ideas and these I will share now. 

1. Healing/ comfort spell for family in general.

2. Relief spell for my Mother.

3. Money spell

4. Dark days spell- anti depression spell for me

5. Depression & Self worth spell for my Dad

6. Physical energy spell- drawing toward- for me.

7. Self confidence spell

8. Spell of protection, health, and happiness for the kitty

9. Clarity of spiritual direction- sometimes its good to reevaluate

10. Spell of focus- for writing

11. Igniting Creativity spell

12. Spell for letting that which doesn't serve, go.

13. Prosperity for family and home spell.

14. Banish mental negativity spell.

15. House cleansing and purification spell.

I will share these when I have them written and hope to get started tomorrow morning. 

Healing Wyrd, an article I really needed to read.

Picture snagged from Pinterest

I recently took some time to catch up on backed up e-mail, you know the e-mail you really want to read but don't quite have time for it, so you save it for later? Well, a subscription to Happily Heathen, on The Agora: the Central Hub for the Patheos Pagan Channel, was one of those "I'll save these for later. That later came when I couldn't sleep one night. 

While playing catch up on this particular subscription, I came across Healing old wounds at a new ancestors grave. In a lot of ways, this was something I needed to read. There have been some people in my family that have negatively affected our Wyrd. My Mother's Step Father for instance. I do not want to honor this man. What he did to my Mother and my Aunt makes me sick. I have no love for him. I wish I could say that he means nothing to me and doesn't affect me, but he does. The things he did make me quite creative when thinking about vengeance and then I have to remind myself, as I did when he was alive, that he just isn't worth it. 

But there is a lesson in his existence, his crimes, and even my Mom's Mom's fear of being alone so much so she stayed with someone who hurt and abused her children. That lesson is in my Mother. For everything that happened, my Mom got herself out, she made a life for herself, and while she never forgave her step dad (he's dead now, had a heart attack and crashed his truck into a light pole- not quite the judicial end I would have liked but I will take it), she forgave her mother. She forgave her mother for looking the other way, for beating her when she tried to get help, for choosing a monster over her own daughter. She forgave all of it and she didn't do just for herself, she did it for her mother so that Grandma J, would have a chance to know me, her Granddaughter. Now, I was never left alone with my mom's step dad and I never got to spend the night with Grandma J until after he died. But that one night I was able to, meant more to my Grandma J than I could even express to my Mom. I feel in a lot of ways, my Mom doing that, helped to heal the wounds of the family Wyrd and taught me the importance of forgiveness, and getting back on your feet and pushing through. 

On the converse, my Aunt, my Mom's Identical Twin, did not learn these lessons. In fact, she fell into the victim roll and continued the cycle of abuse in her own kids, particularly to the one who actually cares about her the most. She is also horrible to my Mom, so much so that while my Mom still loves her sister, she wants nothing to do with her. I think hanging in there for 50+ years is long enough and at some point, you just have to say, "I love you, but we're done." I don't know exactly how that will affect the Wryd, if that's positive or negative. For me personally, I'm fine with this disconnection to my Aunt. I tried for a long time to be devils advocate, to be sympathetic, but she finally just pushed me beyond my limits. I love my Aunt, always will, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to her or allow her to cause more damage. 

But how does this play out in honoring my ancestors? How do you honor someone or people who have hurt you or others you care about in your life, even if you don't want to honor them? What about the people you don't know about yet? Or ancestors from long ago you know nothing about only their names? I think its a personal choice. I don't think anyone can tell you who you have to honor. That probably comes off as "pick and choose" in so far as picking what you like and discarding the rest. Well, I suppose in a way it is. I will honor my Aunt because I love her and we had some good times, but also because she is my Aunt and there are lessons in my life that she's taught me about people. I don't want to honor my Mom's step dad and while I may never honor him directly, I will honor the indirect lessons- those my Mother learned and then instilled in me, such as who and what to watch out for, getting back on your feet, and learning to forgive and what forgiveness can do. This may not work for everyone and I think that's okay. 

Why I call BULLSHIT on Cultural Appropriation- except when...

Why I call BULLSHIT on Cultural Appropriation- except when...

A while ago, a friend of mine wrote a blog post about some issues that span across multiple areas, pagan and otherwise, that inspired a response from me. In agreement with her, I hammered out my support piece but didn’t post it right away. I read it to Amanda, and I just decided not posting it would be for the better, at least until I had cooled off, because some of the topics my friend wrote about, are things that I get all hot and angry about, and believe it or not, there are times where I come off far stronger and intense than I intend to. I deleted it in the end.

Anyway, one of the topics within my friend’s post was cultural appropriation- a concept that while it has always been around, seems to have flared up with the Social Justice Warriors (SJW’s) in the last couple of years.

First, two things: Social justice- yes, we need some but with that said there are people who take things to the extremes and that’s what I find unacceptable. You can fight for a cause without name calling and being an overt asshole.

Second, cultural appropriation is and can be real thing if someone is being disrespectful to another culture. However, I call bullshit on cultural appropriation when it comes to someone celebrating another culture or even simply wearing clothes.

What I mean by the latter is that some people, SJW’s mostly, seem to think that certain prints on clothing are a form of appropriation. Bullshit. The fashion industry has been and always will be drawing inspiration from the different cultures of the world. It will never end no matter how much you fuss about it and instead of seeing it as appropriation, why don’t you see it as a form of celebration. Someone thought something from another culture was beautiful and wanted to celebrate it in their own way. I honestly don’t believe that a fashion designer maliciously thought about using a pattern, a design, or whatnot to hurt an entire people.

In fact I don’t believe that’s what anyone is doing. More to the point, while our planet is large, it is becoming very small in terms of communication and exploration. We see each other’s cultures and become excited about them. They are new, different, fascinating. Take me for example, I am not Japanese but I enjoy Anime, Japanese history and culture, Kimono, the language, ect… I have made a Kimono and I have one that someone gave my Great Grandma Richardson. I am even interested and fascinated in Shinto and have been to a shrine. But because I have some Kimono, eat the food  with chop sticks, listen to the music, and so on, someone would accuse me of appropriation instead of seeing that I just enjoy another culture so much that I am choosing to celebrate it. And it’s not just the Japanese culture that is celebrated in my house, there are cultures of Amanda’s and my heritage that are celebrated as well.

Speaking of heritage celebration, someone accused one of Amanda’s cousins of cultural appropriation because he was wearing a Native American headdress in some photos. He is a blonde haired, blue-eyed white kid and his friends and others on facebook assumed that because of his physical appearance, he was in the wrong, never once asking if he has Native American Heritage, which he, in fact, does. I keep seeing instances like this all over the place and excuse me for saying, but it seems to be geared toward white and white-looking people. There, I said it. Now while I don’t think dreads look good on a lot of white folks, there are some who look great in them, but you never hear that. You only hear that “the white person is trying to be black”. But you never seem to hear about or see anyone jumping down an African American’s throat for converting to Islam or any one bitching to anyone else for celebrating St. Patrick’s Day or Christmas or any other holiday.

Now, don’t mistake me, this isn’t me being trying to be a bitch, this me pointing out some flaws in other people’s logic. And this is also me telling you its bullshit, that it’s okay for you but not okay for anyone else. Here is the thing, as long as no one is disrespecting or defaming, or purposefully bringing harm to yours or another culture, why are you so upset about? Why assume the worst of people, when you could be excited that they are excited about your culture. Why not see this as an opportunity to teach and share? Especially when this move out of the hair style and fashion or physical arena and into more of a spiritual one. How many pagans worship and celebrate a religion that may or may not be from their heritage and more importantly, how can you tell? I mean, you can be black and have Viking ancestors and follow a Heathen path, and even if you don't, color of skin should never matter in this arena. And even more importantly than that, what business is it of yours to tell someone how they worship is wrong? I mean if you really HAVE to make your business, why not do it peaceable and again see it as an opportunity to share and teach- all without being a total dick.

I think in the end, what it all boils down to is, live and let live, mind your own business, and if you absolutely can’t help yourself, try to be understanding, sharing, caring, and helpful. Being an ass is what makes problems. 

Religious conversations in the middle of the night. Contains spoilers for the film.

The other night I had fallen asleep on the sofa watching something with Amanda. I woke up about the time that she'd settled on the other end to sleep so I decided to watch a movie on our Netflix queue to fall asleep to. Only I didn't fall asleep. For some reason I was suddenly very much awake, sucked into this movie, and the more I watched the more sadness and anger I felt. Amanda ended up watching it with me and it sparked a conversation between us afterwards, one that I've wanted to write about but needed a few days to cool my jets and remember a few things. 

Philomena is about a woman who, at the age of 17, went to a fair, met a boy, had sex, and got pregnant. She was Irish and Catholic. Her father was so ashamed of her, he dumped and abandoned her at a convent. The time period looked to be between the 50s-60s. When she gave birth, a breached birth, she wasn't given any pain killers and the pain was supposed to be an atonement for her sin. She and the other girls who had been dumped at the convent had to spend the next four years of their lives working off (difficult labor and kind of bad conditions) the "help" the Sisters of the convent gave to them, before they were free to go. They were only allowed to see their children for an hour each day. I don't think most of the girls there left with their children. Why? Because the Sisters sold the children for 1000 pounds to Americans.  Philomena's baby was taken and she kept the ordeal a secret for 50 years. Then, she and her daughter enlist the help of a reporter to find her son and they go on an adventure of a little excitement, hope, and sadness that ends with a little forgiveness. I wanted to sob my eyes out at the end. I wanted to jump into the tv and hug Philomena.

The religious conversation that sparked afterward was one wherein I just wanted to cry. Amanda and I came to the conclusion, at the time, that monotheism is horrible. We don't know a ton about Islam, but we do know quite a bit about Christianity since we were both raised that way- her more than me since she was Catholic and my main christian education and pushing came from my Grandmother.  Anyway, we were examining how the peoples of monotheistic religions treat people, and how the Bible, the old testament especially just seems cruel. The do this or else, only worship me or you'll be punished, mentality. We talked about the religions in terms of history, in terms of present history and current things happening in the world today.  Yes, there are some pagan religions that haven't been much better- for instance the Aztecs were not nice people. but it just seems that the monotheistic way of life seems to condone torture of people as a way of repentance. As a way of "you're not like me, so you must suffer until you are like me" it is sickening. I don't understand it. It is as if these religions are going to war against anything and everything not them- which is kind of Hitler-esque don't you think? For religions so much about love and peace, they sure spurn thousands of gallons of hatred. 

I had to have a few days to separate myself from the subject and focus on some homework before I could think about this again.  The religions themselves could be beautiful, but the written word of them are done by man and mad is cruel. I have to remember that the people of these religions have been, are, and will continue to use their religion as way to torture people for no reason other than their mistaken sense of duty and if you really want to get down to it, their personal twisted and sick enjoyment.  Not all, but a good plenty of them.

But why? Why and how does anyone have this kind of energy within them. How does a person find delight in hurting someone else and using religion as an excuse to do it? It is disgusting. And why does it seem so much more prevalent in monotheistic religions? Sure I hear about pagans tearing in to other pagans online- trolling per se-, and there were occasions in history with pagans attacking other pagans, but you never hear about that in the news, you never hear about pagans protesting gay marriage or other things, and so on. So what makes it so different? (keep in mind when I use the term pagan, it is an umbrella for everyone not monotheistic, not just the more magically inclined).  What is it now that sets pagans and monotheists apart? Is it tolerance? Sure okay, but what about the need to use religion to torture others? 

As of right now, all I think is that people who are predisposed to hurt and find delight and sick fulfillment in using religion to torture others, gravitate to these monotheistic religions because there are certain things passed down through the centuries from other disgusting people, that gives them license to get away with it. There is also a sense of control. I know that is a dark view, and probably skewed in a way, and it will most assuredly piss someone off, but those are my thoughts and opinions right now. No, this doesn't mean that I hate followers of monotheistic paths, no that doesn't mean that I am trying to bash them or will stop being friends with someone because of their religion. I'm not that lame, petty, or afraid. I know there are good people from all religious paths and walks of life. I know because I have met them and I'm not going to turn against them because of the hateful few that give the rest a bad name.

Loki- the god people hate or love and my stance on him

Loki is the Norse god who brings about Ragnarok. As I understand it, most Heathens don't like him, some hate him, and some worship him. Then there are the Hiddleston fans who took up interest in him because of the Marvel movies. 

But me, well, I don't hate him, I don't dislike him, and I don't worship him. I see his importance as a catalyst figure in Norse mythology. He has a purpose and even though that purpose is to bring about the end, I don't necessarily see that as evil. I suppose you could say that I respect his function. I understand that he is a trickster and instigation God, that he messes with the other Gods and got Baldr killed (no, I don't like that), but in the end, I suppose I have a sort of polite indifference. Perhaps that is rude. Perhaps that will inevitably piss people off. Either way, that's my stance. Take it or leave it, but don't bitch about it. 

House Full of Gods.

Norse Gods

One day while Amanda and I were driving somewhere, I forget where, we got to talking about the Gods. When I think about the Gods, I tend to view them as friends, as teachers, as guides, and most of all, as family. Perhaps that's wrong for others, but it is what feels right to me. I don't know Amanda's opinion on the matter because I haven't thought to ask.  I might do that...

Since I regard the Gods so highly, it stands to reason that I feel they have some presence in my home. And given that Amanda has those she likes and works with or has welcomed into her life and I have the same or others, we wondered if they would like each other, if they would fight or argue or get along. But then we wondered where they would be in our house, which rooms they would frequent. Keep in mind that while I consider myself a fairly new Heathen that is not all I am and the Heathen Gods are not the only Gods in my life.

Anyway, here is what we came up with. 

Hestia and Brigid spend time in the kitchen and near the fireplace/ hearth and I can imagine them discussing recipes over tea. 

Hecate- I'm not sure where Amanda thought she would be. Perhaps by the patio door? 

Hern is in the bedroom, enough said there. 

The Fallen Angel Penemue is in the office/ library (while he is not a God, he has a special place for Amanda and he's got one with me as well)

Kwan Yin is in the living room sipping tea and offering motherly advice along with Frigg and Freyja, perhaps even Nerthus is there. Freyja is often in the living room but she is also in the office, and kitchen depending on her mood, and most certainly with me when I am out. Her cats, I imagine school Narcisa in what it is to be a helpful cat although, I don't think she listens. Freyja's boar is outside with Frey's. 

Frey, maybe in my garden, I'm not so familiar with him. 

Njord I see spending time with me near water.

Skadi visits in winter.

Tyr, I am learning about him as well but I imagine him hanging out with Thor at the kitchen table and outside.

Odin, I see him in the office/ library as well, perusing books.

Loki is generally spying on every one and everything so he can create a little mischief. (I will be writing a post about my views on Loki soon)

Bast is watching over Narcisa. 

Buddha sits outside beneath a tree or on my patio, and sometimes in the office/ library. 

Ganesh spends time with Buddha but also in the living room.

Mani visits us at night, shining soft moonlight into our house, checking on us while we sleep.

Amaterasu and Sol visit us during the daytime, and though they are bright, I thank them for their warmth and light.

At dinner time though, I see them all congregating around the dinner table. 

I am sure Amanda has more she could add and as you can see we have a house full of Gods. 

Where do you see your Gods residing?  

Things change so fast

I realize that it has been awhile since I have truly posted here. Yes, I am still doing the youtube pagan challenge, there are more videos on my youtube channel, and yes, I fell behind in doing that too. For some reason windows 10 doesn't like my camera so every so often I have to go and download the drivers for it. *sigh* Which is part of the reason why I haven't caught up with the pagan challenge. The part was due to school and IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild) stuff and I am getting to that. 

I was an assistant organizer on the Inland Empire Pagan Guild's council. the IEPG is what you could call a non-denominational pagan group open entirely to the public. This meant that everyone was welcome, it was family friendly, and we did rituals and workshops exploring different magical elements and explored many traditions. It wasn't just Wiccan, Druid, Heathen, Kemetic, Native American Shamanism, it was all things. It was fun, most of the time, however when you can't get people to share the hard work and responsibilities, or do what they say they are going to do, or even work with you to help improve the group's structure, it becomes an overwhelming chore and what was once a positive, beautiful thing, turns dark with frustration, pain, and anger- just negative all around. I don't have the time or energy for that, especially not when I am finishing up my Bachelor's degree, looking at Grad School, trying to jump start my writing career, being a homemaker, and still trying to maintain a social life of some kind. 

So, after much thought, tears, and struggling, I stepped down from the council. It was extremely hard. The IEPG got me through a really hard time in my life. But I got what I needed from the IEPG. I formed some great connections with people and have a great group of friends, who have become family. I've learned many valuable lessons from these people, not just in the spiritual sense, but also in the life lessons sense. 

So what am I doing and where am I going from here? Not sure. I'm part of a Witch Club that is developing and I go to a Heathen friend's house whenever they host something. Amanda and I have been talking off and on about the possibility of starting something small and private within our home. We love the idea of a pagan book club and discussion group and thought even some practicum would be great, but we don't relish the idea of inviting everyone. We just don't have the room and sometimes, even people we enjoy socially, suck the life out of spiritual discussions or make them uncomfortable, so we're thinking invite only. But they are only ideas at the moment. 

Trying something new!

One of my friends is doing the Youtube Pagan Challenge this year and I thought it would be a great way to get back into working on my pagan blogging as well as do some video blogging. So here goes. I am coming into the challenge late, but I recorded all the videos today in an effort to start catching up.

Exciting new things

Inland Empire Pagan Guild.

A lot has been happening since I last posted. I've of course been busy with school and had a real dozy of a class. Some things have been happening with family. My Mom is sick again back home and she and my Dad have been struggling. Amanda and I are having it kind of rough with our living situation and her trying to find another job. She has graduated from her MFA program, YAY! At the moment we are in a place of transition. She's trying to find another job that will support us in a place of our own. We'd really love to move out of her parents apartment- no, we need to move out of her parents apartment. But that's a different story for a different day. Let's just say that I recently had a tarot reading from a friend from her "bitch" deck (I think that's what she called it) and it said for me to basically hang in there, keep going the course, because it's all going to pay off. 

Moving on. 

I was recently asked if I wanted to join the council of the local pagan group I've been a member of for the last year or so. I said yes, put in my application, and got accepted. So far I have held a very laid back full moon ritual and am going to be helping with Mabon. I am also leading a class on pagan prayer beads in December, a class on Past lives and reincarnation, and next year I will start a support group for area pagans with disabilities. I wanted the class to be all encompassing- not just focus on physical, mental, or emotional- all of them. Amanda and I are also going to start an out reach program. We have a lot ahead of us but I think it will be good.

I have not been on top of things in the last few months. I'm not sure why. I thought maybe I just needed some time to procrastinate or well, be a bit lazy. I also thought that maybe its been from all the depression, body aches, and fatigue from some of my health problems. It could be one or the other or a combination of all of the above. Either way, with the season change, I feel a bit more alert, alive, and excited. There's a lot I am looking forward to and plans to be made. I will be setting up a schedule within the next few days because I need to start writing again. Not just little things here and there or school assignments or short stories for workshop classes, but novel writing. And I need a couple of hours every day to sit down and just do that. Then I need a couple of hours a day for homework and a couple of hours to focus on my pagan studies. I have so much that I want to learn and research apart from IEPG stuff. I want to really write my Book of Shadows. 

So here's the short, simple, non-overwhelming list of plans:

1. Make a schedule 

2. Make sure it has time for me.

3. Delegate time wisely

4. Break subjects of study up.

5. Make a list of things I would like to focus on learning within the next couple of months.

6. Finish out my Pagan book challenge

7. Keep blogs updated.

8. Enjoy the season.

I could easily add sub sections to each of those but I am not going to. That's where I would overwhelm myself. Have to keep it simple.

Damn there was something else I was going to say, but for the life of me I can't remember. Hmmm. Well, until next time I guess...  

Update, recent acquisitions and I have a blessed minute!

The last couple of terms of school have been rather heavy, time consuming, and stressful. Amidst the school work we've had a trip to Seattle and had to put a kitty to sleep. He was sick and suffering and we did everything we could. It was a sad night in our house but it is okay because he's gone to be with his best bud, Yoda, my familiar, who passed 6 months prior. 

Amanda and I have also had our fair share of family drama going on as well. But, breaking away from the stress, sadness, and frustrations, I'm going to jump into some of the wonderful things we've acquired recently.

We found a candle snuffer that looks similar to the one pictured above, at a garage sale. You'd be surprised what you can find at garage sales. We even saw a cauldron at an estate sale that day. We almost bought it too, but there were weird vibes all around so we forewent that purchase. 

While in Seattle we went to Edge of the Circle Books. There we picked a large candle, a tarot bag for Amanda, and I grabbed The Inner Temple of Witchcraft Meditation CD set to go along with the book we got for Yule. 

Since we've been home I've purchased a few more books. One is for a class that I would like to teach for one of the IEPG meetings. Hopefully, I can set aside some time on my break between terms to do all my research, planning, organize a list of what I need to get for the class, and then set up date to do it. If I get even half of that done, I will be happy. Anyway the book is:

The other books are Heathen in nature. 

This is a book that the Heathen coordinator from the IEPG recommended to me. I'd had it on my list on amazon for a couple of months, but it wasn't until recently that I pushed it to my cart. One of the reasons being an assignment for the spirituality circle. We are supposed to write a ritual and it can be for anything. While several people were talking about fandoms like MLP (Amanda is doing My Little Pony and her ritual sounds amazing), I was thinking about Elves and Mermaids. I don't think there are Mermaids in this book but lore and information about Elves is. Since I wanted to study this book and move more about Heathen practices and so forth, this book was a must! Also, because I have always loved Elves (we can thank my Dad and Tolkien for starting that), and I am a writer, any lore or information I can gather for future story writing is always appreciated!   

I did not buy Witchdom of the True, but it was lent to me and ties into the next book I am going to talk about. First, this book is really interesting and has some good information to it. I don't think it is in print any more, which might be why it is so expensive, last I looked on Amazon it was over $80. So if you can borrow it or find a PDF version to purchase that's more reasonably priced, I think it is worth the read. For myself, it gave me a lot to think about in terms of where I want and feel I need to go, or what best fits me. If that makes sense. 

Frey God of the World is a really exciting book to me and I haven't even begun reading it. My copy must have be part of an estate sale or something like that. The reasoning behind this theory is that the author has autographed it and its a sweet, short message that speaks of a dear friendship to the person it was autographed to. So, for me, this book is extra special. Aside from learning more about Frey, I am curious to see exactly how much the author talks about Frey in correlation with the Greenman. I don't know where I have read or heard of Frey being referenced with the Greenman, only that I have and it stuck. While I do have a book on the Greenman (because I have always been drawn to him), I wanted to read this book first. 

Honestly, I am not sure about this book. I've debated it for a long time and finally broke down and bought it. I looked through it briefly and there looks to be some good stuff. There are hymns and poems, recipes for incense, and prayers. There was even a section on making prayer beads for Freyja. But I haven't had a great deal of time with the book and after I got it in my hands, rather than just seeing it Amazon, it appears to be a semi-personal devotional the writer put together and is sharing with those who are interested. Which, is great! I don't know that I will use everything she has but it is a good starting point. Something that I can use as a platform to build my own personal devotional. 

That's about all for today. I've decided that I will continue where I left off in my posts for the Pagan Blog Project last year. The folks running it aren't doing it this year, sadly, but I will still want to finish what I started.  

H: Handfasting

For H I chose Handfasting not only because I want to learn the mechanics of it for writing but also because my girlfriend and I are planning to have this kind of ceremony for our own wedding. Me being Pagan and her departure from Catholicism (No, I didn't convert her and yes, we've had a very functional and understanding relationship, we accepted each other's personal spiritual path and respected it. Point of fact, neither of us cared what the other believed as long as neither of us was hurting anyone else) we thought decided Handfasting best suited us. 

I will be doing a little more research (and possibly adding to this post or making a part 2) when I purchase and read this book

simply because it seems to have different types of ceremonies such a Greek or Heathen style, the list goes on. We just haven't had the chance or extra funds to order it. So in lieu of having as much information as I would like to give, you'll have to take what I found on the Internet. 

A Handfasting is another type of wedding ceremony wherein two consenting people come together in a formal, equal, and loving partnership. Generally it is between two Pagans but it has become more a little more mainstream and those seeking alternatives to Christian ceremonies will have a Handfasting instead. For Pagans the oaths (vows) spoken are taken very seriously. They are sworn before the couples Gods and Goddesses and are very carefully decided on and discussed before hand and usually with the Priestess or Priest who officiates the ceremony.

What was really interesting, as I understood it, there are some Pagans who handfast for a year and a day. Some will renew vows after each year and a day and some handfast for life while still others do so for life and beyond in accordance to Pagan beliefs in reincarnation. 

In history, popular in the British Isles, some couples would declare their love without a state license. It was like a common law marriage because sometimes it would be weeks or months before a clergymen would stop in their town or village. 

Some men and women  would simply clasp hands in front of a witness or witnesses and declare that they were married. 

But handfasting kind of petered out for several years until the 1950s when the witchcraft laws were repealed and Dorren Valiente and Gerald Gardner looked for a non-christian term for their wedding ceremonies. They decided on "Handfasting". Thus the concepts was revived or resurrected within the Neo-Pagan movements. It used to be that a Handfasting would be done in secret with a couple's study group or coven but later it became more mainstream.   

Of course there are different variations of a Handfasting but some parts remain universal. Generally the ceremony is held outside, weather permitting. There's a making of sacred space, honoring of the four elements, a welcoming of all present, the Goddesses and Gods are called forth to bless the couple in their marriage and their future together. The couples hands are bound and they swear their oaths (vows) that will define their relationship, and then their hands will be unbound. Some people chose to remain bound until their marriage is consummated  while others take the unbinding as a token of their loyalty to each other to be together of their own free will. Rings are exchanged and the ceremony is generally concluded with the couple "jumping the broom". They both jump over a broom and it's a symbol of them crossing over from their old lives into their new, shared life together. After all is said and done this great event is followed by celebration and feasting!    

BBC- Religions- Pagan Weddings

Handfasting History: An Old Tradition Made New